I had alot of books. They were my pride and joy. Every month I bought some more. I liked classics and philosophy. Ancient History. I collected first edition Terry Pratchets and placed them lovingly together on top shelf.
Then I gave them all away.
I had long hair. I kept it long because I'm a poster child for BDD ( body dysmorphic disorder). I hate my face. Like a moody teenager i thought dropping hair in front of my face would help.
Then I shaved half my head.
I was in a relationship for four years. I walked out.
I had a decent job. I quit.
Like some sort of cold blooded reptile I had begun to shed skins. I stepped out of every thing that defined me, everything I defined myself by. Currently I'm in my best friend's spareroom. I own two suit cases and two dogs.
I'm in the process of shedding those too. Though I'd like to keep my dogs. And my best friend.
Who would you be if you could start over? If you scrapped everything, if you took the leap off that ledge thats been taunting you your whole life? I tried doing things the way I was supposed to. I got the house, the job and the boyfriend and after the boyfriend I went on dates with the single most mind crunchingly boring individuals i had ever met in my life. I thought I had to.
We spend our lives trying to make people we do not like, like us.
Then I got sick.
Doctors gave me pills so I wouldn't notice, but I did. I had lost myself. I was gone. Passions had fizzled out into charred remains. I had a persistent cough from smoking two boxes of cigarettes a day. I drank...alot. I took more pain pills then I ever had a right to without overdosing. I had blackouts. I lost friends. I congratulated myself that at least unlike my early twenties I wasn't doing alot of cocaine. I perceived the world through a filter of pills and hangovers and a gently simmering depression.
And then I stopped. The illusion was that I forced to do any of this. Nobody was holding a gun to my head. Nobody was forcing me to live inauthentically. This was all my fault. I had sold my soul to respectability.
So how do I get it back?
1. Self destruct.
To find yourself, to be yourself, to be enveloped in a passion for life again, start giving up the crap your clinging to just to maintain an illusion of safety. You are not safe in your house. You are not safe in your job. Your health. any of these things can be taken from you at any moment, you are already living a risk, so long as you are alive, you are risking everything. Only death is certain. If you are unhappy then examine the payoffs in the things that are making you unhappy. How much do you really need your house with its giant mortgage which you are breaking your back to pay? If the answer is you don't, quit it. sell it. Burn it. Whatever. Be brave, be fearless. Just living means your risking everything so risk some more.
Don't be afraid to self destruct. Sometimes you got to destroy something to build something new. The truth is you can't really fight it, if you're miserable you will do it anyway. You'll perform badly at work, you will drink, you will cheat on your spouse. It doesnt matter, your sub concious will find a way to run the train off its rails. So embrace the process, and have fun. It's good for your mental hygiene to clean house once in awhile.
2. Keep a few basics covered.
You got kids? You need to pay some sort of pay some sort of rent? Cover those essentials. Keep your job if you have to, just downsize your costs. Don't be a complete moron. The day before I quit my job I got a job at a bar, flexible hours, and enough money just to get by. Keep a small parachute, you still got to eat.
3. Be who you want to be, right now, today.
If you lost yourself completely and you have no idea who you want to be then refer back to your childhood and whatever you loved most then, back before you started killing everything you loved. If that fails just think of anything you do not completely detest doing and do that. You can change later if you hate that too. Whatever it is, start doing it now. You want to be a dolphin trainer? Go out and buy a gold fish. Get it to swim through hoops. Start now. Just do it, or some form of it.
4. Ask for help.
Theres alot of ways to do this. A really easy one is to read a whole bunch of books on the subject and learn that way. This is good. Do it. But if you really want to be successful your gonna have to bite the bullet and hold yourself up to ridicule from people you really wish you were. This means emailing your heros and begging them for advice. This means admitting you have no idea what your doing, but that your willing to learn. Then find somebody who will teach you. In fact, find alot of people who will teach you. No single person's word is final.
If they say no, which they will, ask other people. Stop quivering, your life is at stake, this is more important then your pride.
5. Become obsessed
Put in your 10 000 hours and then some. Push open doors. Sell yourself. Give up everything that distracts you. This includes TV, Alchohol and friends you always find yourself drinking alchohol and watching TV with.
If you are still unhappy, start again at one.
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