The Rat Cage

No One Asks The Rat...

I keep rats as pets. I have had other pets but those don't really work out. Rats are low maintenance, with the benefit of being pack animals, so they are affectionate. The down side is that they die pretty easily and frequently. I lost a little albino called Fermi recently, and if I go on with this anecdote it will be a pretty good setup to talk about impermanence. That's not what I have on my mind though.

I can't help but notice a certain link between keeping a pet, like say a rat, and what the role of the structure that is society is to the individual. I keep Feynman, my surviving rat, safe. I feed him. I keep him from doing destructive things that will make me reject him, like munching on my computer cables. I have created a structure for him to the best of my ability, that I feel is best for him. I haven't asked him if his happy, because that would be absurd.

 If I had more rats to manage, say seven billion, my ability to tend to any individual need would be stunted somewhat, yet I would still attempt to create some sort of order. I still wouldn't ask.

Don't misunderstand, I am not promoting the idea that there is an individual or group that plays my counterpart as rat keeper in the world of human civilization. It doesn't matter if there is or not. What there is is society. A construct that assumes it is the best possible way for humans to function.

I feel like I am playing devil's advocate here, in justifying the existence of a system that rejects the potential desires of the individual in the name of over-all structure. I don't mean to. It just is what it is. It is when we turn against a thing that we must demonize it, and that too, is fine.

We should probably just figure out this one pivotal thing for ourselves. Is this for me? Does this cage of generalization allow me to be happy in any way? Unfortunately, when any system tries to cater to all, it tends to fail across the board. A lot of us cannot function in this system. We don't want that life. Then we do it anyway. Why? Because these notions are ingrained in us. We get taught this stuff from day one. And that training results in a very powerful counter trigger.

Guilt

If you aren't succeeding financially at something, odds are you feel pretty down about yourself. Have you stopped and asked yourself if it actually matters to you? Maybe you are unhappy because that's someone else's dream you have hammered into your head. You don't lie in bed before you go to sleep fantasizing about that corner office and all the mind numbing junk you will be doing in it.

Perhaps you do think about stuff you would buy with the money you would make, if so, newsflash, you want the stuff, not the job. You could probably come up with ways that would make you happy and facilitate the purchasing of pointless fun junk.

You simply do not need to do it.

1. First you are going to have to fight yourself on this. You try telling yourself you don't want to work a stupid job and raise some kids with some person and buy non-stick pots, you will find a very angry person in the mirror. Its not because you actually really believe you want those sort of things, its because those things are the only parameters you have been thought to determine whether or not you are a failure.

2. Next you are going to have to put up with other people (Note, put up with, not fight with, that would be a lost battle). There are many ways we could look at this, but primarily it boils down to a couple of steps you would go through, that would both infuriate other people.

A) When you tell people that you aren't going to do things that way, that you are going to give creating your own life a go, they are going to tell you you are stupid, that life doesn't work like that, that you have your head in the clouds and in the real world blah blah blah. It annoys me just typing that, but people will try to undermine you and characterize you as a lunatic, and a washout. They will not do this because they are right, or because they are deliberately jerks. They do this because this invokes that guilt trigger, and in all likelihood, that guilt is all that's keeping their own lie together.

B) Then should you succeed to create some sort of life that you defined, people are going to be pissed off. Don't get mad, you have just subverted everything they have slaved away for under the misguided understanding that that was their only option. You have literally one-upped everything they feel they are. Anyone in that situation probably has the right to be mad. Not at you, but just to be mad, let them take it out on you if they like, once again, it doesn't matter.

3) The third thing you are going to have to deal with is that because we are so programmed to feel this guilt and accept that this is the life we must lead, it's not easy to make any changes. This is where a bit of self destruction comes into play. As with all things, self destructive behavior is a misunderstood creature. At the right time, it can often be exactly what you needed. I can't really elaborate much on this, we all have our own ways of doing it, but the formula goes something like 'Start sinking, do some stupid things, explode and destroy everything in sight, slowly recover, build anew'.

If you survive these things, and odds are that save being thrown off a building by angry estate agent sympathizers, or hit by some other bizarre quirky misfortune I am too tired to come up with right now, you will, then there is a chance you will have a life you can live, and that you actually want to live. On the other hand it may also fail, that's life, be realistic, but then you can try again. It may only be me, but I would rather keep busy trying to build a happy life for myself and fail a couple of times than give up and just settle for misery. All we really want is to be happy.

I am going to end this post with something that came up in a conversation earlier tonight. There will always be problems and worries, but at least the future could hold new problems, rather than these same old draining ones. Problems that you might have the passion to solve if you are happy.

Time to put my rat back in his cage. Sometime I should probably ask him what he wants.

Thanks for reading.

  

    

  

how to find yourself and start over in five miserably difficult steps

I had alot of books. They were my pride and joy. Every month I bought some more. I liked classics and philosophy. Ancient History. I collected first edition Terry Pratchets and placed them lovingly together on top shelf.

Then I gave them all away.

I had long hair. I kept it long because I'm a poster child for BDD ( body dysmorphic disorder). I hate my face. Like a moody teenager i thought dropping hair in front of my face would help.

Then I shaved half my head.

I was in a relationship for four years. I walked out.

I had a decent job. I quit.

Like some sort of cold blooded reptile I had begun to shed skins. I stepped out of every thing that defined me, everything I defined myself by. Currently I'm in my best friend's spareroom. I own two suit cases and two dogs.

I'm in the process of shedding those too. Though I'd like to keep my dogs. And my best friend.

Who would you be if you could start over? If you scrapped everything, if you took the leap off that ledge thats been taunting you your whole life? I tried doing things the way I was supposed to. I got the house, the job and the boyfriend and after the boyfriend I went on dates with the single most mind crunchingly boring individuals i had ever met in my life. I thought I had to.

We spend our lives trying to make people we do not like, like us.

Then I got sick.

Doctors gave me pills so I wouldn't notice, but I did. I had lost myself. I was gone. Passions had fizzled out into charred remains. I had a persistent cough from smoking two boxes of cigarettes a day. I drank...alot. I took more pain pills then I ever had a right to without overdosing. I had blackouts. I lost friends. I congratulated myself that at least unlike my early twenties I wasn't doing alot of cocaine. I perceived the world through a filter of pills and hangovers and a gently simmering depression.

And then I stopped. The illusion was that I forced to do any of this. Nobody was holding a gun to my head. Nobody was forcing me to live inauthentically. This was all my fault. I had sold my soul to respectability.

So how do I get it back?

1. Self destruct.

To find yourself, to be yourself, to be enveloped in a passion for life again, start giving up the crap your clinging to just to maintain an illusion of safety. You are not safe in your house. You are not safe in your job. Your health. any of these things can be taken from you at any moment, you are already living a risk, so long as you are alive, you are risking everything. Only death is certain. If you are unhappy then examine the payoffs in the things that are making you unhappy. How much do you really need your house with its giant mortgage which you are breaking your back to pay? If the answer is you don't, quit it. sell it. Burn it. Whatever. Be brave, be fearless. Just living means your risking everything so risk some more.

Don't be afraid to self destruct. Sometimes you got to destroy something to build something new. The truth is you can't really fight it, if you're miserable you will do it anyway. You'll perform badly at work, you will drink, you will cheat on your spouse. It doesnt matter, your sub concious will find a way to run the train off its rails. So embrace the process, and have fun. It's good for your mental hygiene to clean house once in awhile.

2. Keep a few basics covered.

You got kids? You need to pay some sort of pay some sort of rent? Cover those essentials. Keep your job if you have to, just downsize your costs. Don't be a complete moron. The day before I quit my job I got a job at a bar, flexible hours, and enough money just to get by. Keep a small parachute, you still got to eat.

3. Be who you want to be, right now, today.

If you lost yourself completely and you have no idea who you want to be then refer back to your childhood and whatever you loved most then, back before you started killing everything you loved. If that fails just think of anything you do not completely detest doing and do that. You can change later if you hate that too. Whatever it is, start doing it now. You want to be a dolphin trainer? Go out and buy a gold fish. Get it to swim through hoops. Start now. Just do it, or some form of it.

 4. Ask for help.

Theres alot of ways to do this. A really easy one is to read a whole bunch of books on the subject and learn that way. This is good. Do it. But if you really want to be successful your gonna have to bite the bullet and hold yourself up to ridicule from people you really wish you were. This means emailing your heros and begging them for advice. This means admitting you have no idea what your doing, but that your willing to learn.  Then find somebody who will teach you. In fact, find alot of people who will teach you. No single person's word is final.

If they say no, which they will, ask other people. Stop quivering, your life is at stake, this is more important then your pride.

5. Become obsessed

Put in your 10 000 hours and then some. Push open doors. Sell yourself. Give up everything that distracts you. This includes TV, Alchohol and friends you always find yourself drinking alchohol and watching TV with.

If you are still unhappy, start again at one.